Well well well.
Has it nearly been a year since I've been on this? The lack of posts means the more time I've spent figuring it out. I'm being vague here, because "it" is a variable of things.

Interesting fact: I once have been broken up with, with I quote, "There are a lot of variables." Three things to note:

1. I was shocked he could qualify himself to use this term, "variable" and knew how to use it properly.
2. This was being used in an segue in reasons we should separate
3. I was being broken up with with someone I believed I would inevitably break up with.

It left a bitter taste in my mouth, however, it was a relationship heading south going nowhere. Didn't matter who broke up with who, job had to be done.

I hope I'm not confusing you with this random snippet of my failed relationships. There's something interesting in wanting to talk about an epiphany of inspiration turning into a rant about a break up.

Anywho,
I've been working for awhile now. Thinking a lot for awhile now. And actually doing for a while now.
It's interesting how you let things happen you start doing something because it was something that was there, that was available, maybe even handed to you. Then you stick awhile because you're learning, and nothing else better is around for you to take. Things get better, you make more money more friends. You get comfortable-these things that were so difficult back then, now you can do in your sleep. Your problems get bigger, challenges harder... and you laugh about how your biggest problems back then were figuring out an Excel spreadsheet. You've got bigger fish to fry now. But you absolutely love it. Then it gets pulled away from you. As quickly as it had arrived.

Something you didn't think too much about before, now is all you think of.

I've been applying every day. I could try even more harder, but I think I'm just stressing myself out. I think the best thing I can do for myself is to go back to school, relax, and start finding some passion.

I was watching PS22 on youtube and their choir. Little known fact about me: I was a huge choir kid in elementary school. I honestly don't know what got me into it, but all I know is that I LOVED IT. I may not be the best singer, but I love music and harmonizing. I'm gonna start looking into it.

So excited to have these in my possesion. Yum Yum.

My vision board

Within 9-10 months I intend to:

1. Get a Cadillac CTS

2. Go to Disneyland

3. Get promoted

4. Go to LA for a weekend

5. Own an Iphone 3GS

6. Have Missy complete Obedience School

7. Get a sponsor and work the Steps with her

8. Have all legal issues hashed out and behind me

Before the end of 2010 I will have:

1. Gone to NY

2. Been already attending school in making the steps to becoming a Health Inspector

3. Get promoted

Right now and ALWAYS continuing:

1. To be more involved with family

2. To keep and maintain my sobriety

3. Working the steps and finding opportunities in completing these goals

4. To leave a good memory of myself to those I interact with

5. Leave everything better than I found it.

6. To love myself

This song is for you.

I was looking over my past entries on my xanga account and found myself quite embarassed with how I depicted my self assuredness. Leave it up to 17 year olds to believe they've got it all down. And give them internet access. Cockiness is not a good color on me. Especially when I have it documented for all to see on the internets. 

Then there's this ongoing battle between me and this one person. I thought it was all done and over with, but I guess it went to sleep and joined a bunch of social networking applications. I remember we tried to hash it out, only to return? Maybe my/our motives were wrong, or it wasn't time.

Maybe this person annoys me because I see something in them I see in myself. I can't keep up with the cryptic messages we leave each other. Or wondering, is she talking about me?? Keeping score that amounts to getting nowhere. It's exhausting. We don't need to be friends, and I'm absolutely in love with that idea. Until we start moving to Pluto and other planets-this world is small. We can't deny each other's existance. I can keep passing judgment, throwing uncredited gossip, biased commentary, and making vague references. The funny part about this, is I don't believe I personally know this person for it to be taken seriously. 

I've tried ignoring this person, even to their face. But that's just rude. How to solve world peace? By understanding why people do the things they do and your own part in it. Keep your side of the street clean, and don't worry about theirs. Let's not worry about the problem (which by the way, can I even remember WHAT THE HELL IT WAS ABOUT???!), and think about a solution instead. I have no idea what that is except that the only control I have about this is to no longer exhaust energy into this shit. 

Oh and maybe I'm just mad that this person took who I believed at the time to be one of my best friends (now, I'm wondering if it was even mutual) away from me. I should be mad at that other person instead. Or mad at myself for having expectations, and follow my own advice: Expect nothing and everything will be a wonderful surprise. 

Every time I'm having a great time dancing, I channel my inner Cher (Horowitz)...